Passport Photo

Everybody has a bad passport photo. That is just a fact. My Mum looks like Moors Murderer Myra Hindley. I look like I had cancer. There is still 2 years left before my passport expires, that's the worst part.

I have been laughed at twice at customs. Once in Portugal and once in Greece. I bet everyone in Portugal and Greece have beautiful passport photos.
Not like me. Pasty skin, no hair, giant eyebrows. That was back when I thought it was cool to shave my eyebrows into a straight line. NOT COOL. AWFUL. It looks like I shaved my head too. I didn't, I just had a habit of scrapping it all back and holding it in place with a million little sparkly clips.

I'd also just had my GCSE Chemistry extra science exam, that's why I'm in school uniform and that angry face all over my ugly one.

Officially the ugliest photo of me.

After all my moanings about the last post I feel like such a cretin because it turns out that whole time there was an even uglier photo of me just waiting to surface. So here it is. It really needs to intoduction but it was described as a 'scarecrow cat woman' by Brett (Snoop Dogg handshake) on first sighting.

I'm all one colour. My hair, my face, even my lips are the same tone.

Tracey's Leaving Night a.k.a the ugliest night of all

WARNING- THE FOLLOWING PHOTOGRAPHS COULD BE THE UGLIEST SO FAR. PLEASE TAKE CARE WHEN LAUGHING AT THEM.

This, simply put, was a really skanky evening. We were all very sweaty, it was raining, emotions were high, ugliness was out in full force.


This was a bad choice of material to wear in a club/ dancing situation. It became soaked in sweat and slime. That guy behind me was actually laughing at how I was having to dance with my arms stuck to my sides. Not that I was so much embarrassed about the sweat it was more that the amount of sweat was weighing my arms down.

This is a really bad angle for me but it does hide the sweat patches.


So I always thought that I must have been trying to wink in this photo but as I have a similarly closed eye in the next (and worst of all time) photo I think that my face must have sweated into that position.I look like a scarecrow or a plastic toy from the olden days.

WAIT FOR IT.

There is nothing I can say. But I can make it bigger.


And once again...

This is just plain old fugly.

Yes thoses things are my eyes.
Why I put eyeliner on just the bottoms of them if a mystery.

PROM!

Everyone dreams of prom. All the boys in suits and the girls in their wonderful dresses. BUT THEN you have to hang out with your retarded sister all night. The one that didn't even go to your school. Or maybe it's just me and Nadia at our Grad Ball.
Nadia looks so bored. She really doesn't want to be seen anywhere near me. When my friend Ruby put this up on facebook I was so upset, but now it's all I can do to not die of laughter everytime I see it.
and yes that is a bottle of Buckfast wrapped in my arms.

This is how good a person Kirsten is...

I look like that monster from The Goonies. Look how much smaller her hand is compared to my neck. I remember her delicate touch. So like Princess Diana with landmine victims. I am not surprised I was mistaken for someone with Downs Syndrome that time I went ice skating if I looked anything like this that day. Which, actually, we can assume I did.


It looks like I have only one giant tooth too. It looks as though I've seen something I really want and she is trying to hold me back, like a carer. As though I've seen a chainsaw and I want to play with it.

Parting is such sweet sorrow...

...actually for the people who don't have to see my ugly face on a daily basis anymore it's just sweet.


So that one isn't even that bad. It was mostly to give you a point of comparison for the next three.




There is a lot of chin in that one. And in that chin, a lot of ugly.
It's almost as though I can't control the lower half of my face. My jaw must be placed into that position every morning, just in case someone takes a photo of me.


There are no words.

Except ugly and monster.

when arms and bodies collide

Obviously my face is the main ugly thing in this picture but also this is a great example of how block colour jumpers can make things so much worse.


As you can see the sleeve of the jumper is the same colour as the body of the jumper. Therefore when the arm is placed infront of the body it appears to be one and the same. This gives the illusion of my body being a huge lump of red wool. Which is upsetting because
(as usual) I felt I looked ok that day. Not great, but at least not a mountain of dyed sheep outsides.

Close up.

The things over-excitement can do to a face.

Here is a lesson to all. Don't ever show emotion in public. Someone, someone who claims to be a friend, will photograph it. This is so that whenever you think back to that time e.g. 'oh man, when I got that bear costume as a gift I was so happy', you will start to think 'when I got that bear costume I looked like an ugly retard'. It'd better to be indifferent and then at least have the internal memory for ever. Check out these ugly examples.



This is me being taught the 'snoop dog' handshake by my friend Brett. Here you see the 'no fingerprints, no evidence' move. I have a super secret crush on Snoop Dogg so this was perhaps, honestly, the most exciting thing that happened in September 09. Perhaps. Also I had had a lot of jello shots.



The next two photos are from the night I left Dundee. I was leaving a place I had called home for 5 and a bit years. This was a sad sad night. To make up for all the sadness my besties at work got me the BEST presents anyone has ever gotton. A WOLF FLEECE AND A BEAR SUIT. The reactions captured on the following photographs, though hideously ugly, are explainable and really, I would say quite fitting.

Number one. The wolf fleece.
The thing that really gets me is the strange hand movements. My hands are so tense in these pictures. Really cerebral.


Here's a hand shot to prove my point.


Yeah. So here is the real winner. The bear costume.

That is pure, raw emotion.

Jell-oh no she's ugly.

This is really what they should show kids in schools to keep them off the juice. Actually they should just show my blog and then we would have no underage drinking of any kind. Basically this is the story of how I was introduced to Jello shots, a fun american thing I learned about . I now have no control over my jello shot intake. I see jello I 'drink' jello.

Firstly, this photo is more an indicator of the amount of jello shots absorbed.

If you look behind the cake there, you will see the empty jello cup shells. If you look below you will see the empty human shell that remained. And the crazed smile and glazed eyes that confirm just how much I adore jello shots.




I don't think was even aware of the jello shot in my own hands.

Hostess with the mostest ugly face

Just trying to be good to my guests. Are they good to me? No. They take UPOM and then laugh about them.
This could put me off crimping my hair for life. and also cakes. and cameras.

Intense ugly

This is just so intense. Seriously just like intense.
It's the chin thing and the scratty bogo hair. My pal Gavin fared ok ( though equally intense) though so I can't even blame the primitive technology.

no context except UGLY

oh yeah oh yeah.

NOT MY FAULT.

Everybody sneezes. It's nature, man. But seriously only I could have the sort of friends who take photos of you mid sneeze and then keep them and then put them up on facebook with your name tagged all over them. TAGGED. So that everyone can see them and so that family members who you have not spoken to in years can see what you are up to (in my case pretty much being UGLY).
And actually while we are on this note, why would somene take a photo of their friend while there friend is suffering from a very strong strain of Fresher's Flu '04 (a pre-curser to both avian and swine imo) and also let people see it.



PURE BAD TIMES.

Another holiday snap. Great.

This is an old old UPOM. It's not so bad. The woven hairband is maybe the worst part. I remember buying loads of them that holiday (first one away from the watchful eye of my parents) so that would explain the sharp outfit too. Mostly I think I had just had my nose pierced and I was all showing it off. It had a huge giant disgusting earing stud in it and it was manky.On the plus side my hair is Miley Cyrus long which would be a dream come true now. I bet that drink had something like Peach Snapps in it. Or maybe Malibu. I was on holiday afterall.

Paris J'taime, et moi face.

So it seems my ugliness translates.


Need I say anymore? Well yes. If you look closely at my tongue you can see I was attempting to curl it. That is not the general reaction to either cameras or Eiffel Towers. The Blackpool Tower maybe but not lovely Paris. And also just what is that fringe? It's unexcusable. Really though.

In my defence this photo was taken meer moments after I'd stood in a huge pile of dog crap because I'd been staring at the E.T and not watching my feet (rookie tourist mistake). So yeah maybe I was still thinking about that.

I am ageless

Check out this photo of my Grandmother.


Now look at this photo of me.


Now genetics may play a part in my personal disease but seriously, there is a 60 year age gap between these two people.